How your parents can break your heart: Children starved of warmth and affection suffer lifelong health problems

• Strong biological link for how negative early life experiences affect physical health
  
• Can even lead to cardiovascular disease

The effects of childhood abuse and lack of parental affection can last a lifetime, taking a toll both emotionally and physically, reveals a new study.

A new UCLA-led study for the first time examines the effects of abuse and lack of parental affection across the body’s entire regulatory system.

The study, published online by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found a strong biological link for how negative early life experiences affect physical health and can even lead to cardiovascular disease.

A new study has revealed that the effects of childhood abuse and lack of parental affection can last a lifetime, taking a toll both emotionally and physically

However, it’s not all bad news. ‘Our findings suggest that there may be a way to reduce the impact abuse has, at least in terms of physical health,” said Judith E. Carroll, a research scientist at the Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology at UCLA, and the study’s lead author.

‘If the child has love from parental figures they may be more protected from the impact of abuse on adult biological risk for health problems than those who don’t have that loving adult in their life.’

The researchers studied 756 adults who had participated in a study called Coronary Artery Risk Development in Young Adults (CARDIA). 

They measured 18 biological markers of health risk, such as blood pressure, heart rate, stress hormone, cholesterol, waist circumference, inflammation, and blood sugar regulation, and analysed if they were at higher biological risk for disease.

To determine the study subjects’ childhood stress the researchers used a self-report scale called the Risky Families Questionnaire.

The study found a significant link between reports of childhood abuse and multisystem health risks

They found a significant link between reports of childhood abuse and multisystem health risks, but those who reported higher amounts of parental warmth and affection in their childhood had lower multisystem health risks.

The researchers also found a significant interaction of abuse and warmth, so that individuals reporting low levels of love and affection and high levels of abuse in childhood had the highest multisystem risk in adulthood.

‘Our findings highlight the extent to which these early childhood experiences are associated with evidence of increased biological risks across nearly all of the body’s major regulatory systems,’ said Teresa Seeman, professor of medicine in the division of geriatrics at the David Geffen School of Medicine and of epidemiology at the Fielding School of Public Health at UCLA, and the paper’s senior author.

‘If we only look at individual biological parameters such as blood pressure or cholesterol, we would miss the fact that the early childhood experiences are related to a much broader set of biological risk indicators – suggesting the range of health risks that may result from such adverse childhood exposures.’

The authors note that the findings used information provided by the participants, so there may be some recall bias.

Also, the analysis may not have captured other factors affecting regulatory systems, such as poor nutrition or environmental pollution.

But the findings suggest that parental warmth and affection protect one against the harmful effects of toxic childhood stress.

Also, the lingering effects of childhood abuse can be linked to age-related diseases such as cardiovascular disease. Among other things, this could have an effect on long-term health care costs.

‘It is our hope that this will encourage public policy support for early interventions,’ Carroll said.

‘If we intervene early in risky families and at places that provide care for children by educating and training parents, teachers, and other caregivers in how to provide a loving and nurturing environment, we may also improve the long term health trajectories of those kids.’

The lingering effects of childhood abuse can be linked to age-related diseases such as cardiovascular disease

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Study: 30% of Americans Get Their News on Facebook

A new study reveals that 30% of Americans get their news on Facebook, and suggests that the social network drives people to media sites who may not have otherwise done so. Of that 30%, more than half — 78% — said they click on news links to media sites after initially logging on for unrelated reasons, such as checking out friends’ pictures or updating their statuses. In fact, only 16% of Facebook users say that getting news is the primary reason they log on.

The study, published by the Pew Research Center on Thursday, found that almost half of American users click on news in their Facebook feeds. Since 64% of adults in the United States use Facebook, that means one in three Americans consumes news on Facebook.

However, only 22% of the 30% who get their news on Facebook think the site is a useful source for information about the world, and only 4% of those think Facebook is “the most important way” to get their news.

“People go to Facebook to share personal moments — and they discover the news almost incidentally,” Amy Mitchell, Pew Research Center’s director of journalism research, said in a statement. “The serendipitous nature of news on Facebook may actually increase its importance as a source of news and information, especially among those who do not follow the news closely.”

The study quotes one respondent, who said he believes

“Facebook is a good way to find out news without actually looking for it.”

The importance of the social network also depends on how much of a news junkie the user is.

Among those who click on news links in their Facebook news feeds, just 38% of heavy news followers think the social network is “an important way to get the news,” but among those who follow news “less often,” 47% consider Facebook as an important source.

On Monday, Facebook announced that it was driving 170% more traffic to media sites this year than in 2012.

This is the first of a series of studies on social media and news published by Pew in collaboration with the Knight Foundation. For this study, Pew surveyed 5,173 Americans ages 18 and older.

Have something to add to this story? Share it in the comments.

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Overweight children should watch less TV: Health watchdog urges parents to ‘cut back screen time’

• The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence has released new guidelines for health workers about preventing obesity in children
• Say parents should be encouraged to make their children more active
• Also suggest overweight children should keep a record of how much time they spend watching TV or playing computer games

The parents of overweight and obese children should be told to cut back the amount of ‘screen-time’ their children have.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence has released new guidelines for health workers which say parents should be encouraged to find ways to make their children less sedentary in their daily life.

For example, overweight children should be encouraged to keep a record of how long they spend in front of a television or computer every day as a way of monitoring their activity levels.

The guidelines also state that NICE suggests health workers should ask parents to consider whether their children could walk to school.

Professor Mike Kelly, director of the Centre for Public Health at NICE, said ‘We are recommending family-based lifestyle programmes are provided which give tailored advice.

‘These programmes will also support parents to identify changes that can be done at home to tackle obesity – and maintained over the long-term.

‘Many of them are things we should all be doing anyway, including healthy eating, getting the whole family to be more active and reducing the amount of time spent watching TV and playing computer games.’

He added: ‘Being overweight or obese has a significant impact on a child’s quality of life.

‘It can affect their self-esteem and they are more likely to be bullied or stigmatised. Local commissioners – including local authorities – need to make sure that the right services are available when families need them.

‘They also need to be convenient and easy to access – so parents and their children can stick with them.’

NICE says parents in ‘denial’ about their children being obese should also be identified to prevent them becoming a barrier to weight loss.

The watchdog claims parents may undermine efforts to get fat children and teenagers to face up to the problem.

‘Efforts to manage a child or young person’s weight are not always supported, and are sometimes undermined, by members of the wider family,’ it said.’

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence has released new guidelines for health workers which say parents should be encouraged to find ways to make their children less sedentary in their daily life

‘This is possibly because of a lack of understanding of the aims of lifestyle weight management programmes and the importance of managing the weight of obese or overweight children and young people.

It added that a ‘lack of recognition, or denial’ can prevent them from joining, and adhering to, a weight management course.

These programmes can include Weight Watchers, which Nice has already approved as a way for GPs to assist patients in losing weight.

In 2011 in England, around 30 per cent of boys and girls aged two to 15 were either overweight or obese.

In the 2011/2012 school year, around 23 per cent of children in reception, and 34 per cent in year six, were either overweight or obese.

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How eating too many sweets could make you FORGETFUL: Having high blood sugar levels can cause memory problems

• Maintaining low blood sugar levels is good for the brain
• Study showed people with too much sugar in their blood were less able to recall a list of 15 words 30 minutes after they had heard them
• Suggests lowering blood sugar levels could be a way of preventing cognitive decline with age

Bad news if you’ve got a sweet tooth – eating too many sweets could make you forgetful.

Researchers have found that maintaining low sugar levels in the blood is good for the brain.

The study, published in the journal Neurology, showed people with too much sugar in their blood were more likely to have memory problems.

Researchers looked at 141 people with an average age of 63 who did not have diabetes or pre-diabetes.

Those with less sugar in their blood were more likely to score well on memory tests. 

The researchers found that people with high levels of sugar in their blood were less able to recall a list of 15 words 30 minutes after hearing them.

An increase of about seven mmol/mol of a long-term marker of glucose control called HbA1c went along with remembering two fewer words.

Dr Agnes Floel, of Charite University Hospital in Berlin, said: ‘These results suggest even for people within the normal range of blood sugar lowering their blood sugar levels could be a promising strategy for preventing memory problems and cognitive decline as they age.

‘Strategies such as lowering calorie intake and increasing physical activity should be tested.’

Volunteers who were overweight, who drank more than three-and-a-half servings of alcohol per day and who had memory and thinking problems were ruled out before the study started.

 The participants’ memory skills were then tested along with their blood glucose levels.

Participants also had brain scans to measure the size of their hippocampus.

People with too much sugar in their blood are more likely to have memory problems because maintaining low blood sugar levels is good for the brain

Dr Clare Walton, research communications manager for the Alzheimer’s Society, said: ‘We already know that type 2 diabetes is a risk factor for developing Alzheimer’s disease, but this new study suggests that higher blood sugar levels may also be linked to poor memory in people without diabetes. 

‘The research suggests that regulating blood sugar levels might be a way to improve people’s memory, even if they don’t have diabetes. 

‘However, before people without diabetes consider changing their diets or taking medication, more research is needed to test this theory. One in three people over 65 will develop dementia so investing in research like this is vital.’

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Australia bans sunbeds in every state in a bid to slash deaths from skin cancer

• Every state has now either banned or is planning to outlaw commercial sunbeds due to country having some of the highest global skin cancer rates
  
• Condition is responsible for more than 2,000 deaths and 80 per cent of all new cancer diagnoses

Australia is to ban all commercial sunbeds in a bid to slash skin cancer rates.

Every state has now either banned or is planning to outlaw commercial sunbeds due to the country having some of the highest skin cancer rates in the world.

The condition is responsible for more than 2,000 deaths and 80 per cent of all new cancer diagnoses. 

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How Other Women can Ruin your Happiness with a Man

Learn how other women in your life ruin your happiness with a man

I’m sitting here on my couch in my new house on a Wednesday evening, with the fan blowing in my face and a little baby kicking away in my belly. As I sit here after an interesting experience I had today, I felt the need to write to you about something that is very important for you to understand as a woman.
And that thing to understand is the danger of other women influencing you.
Does that sound dramatic?
Well, that’s because it is. Other women can effectively destroy your relationship with men, or any man.
I can’t tell you just how POWERFUL an influence other women’s talking, other women’s opinions and other women’s thinking has over you. It’s a drug!! Women have been influencing each other for YEARS, millennia in fact, on their views on men, with their complaining and their misunderstanding of men.
Gossip can be a good thing, it actually serves a good purpose among humans, but the bad effects of gossip are just as intense as the good effects of gossip.
One woman complaining about men at a Sunday brunch catch up can bring down the rest of the women at the table, and potentially the other women’s relationships and marriages with their man.
I’m telling you now: what other women say with you in their proximity affects you, affects how you act, whether you like it or not.
And when you spend a lot of time with single women, chances are, you’ll stay single because of that. We become who we spend our time with.
We also adopt the habits and judgements of those we spend our time with. It happens subconsciously without you being aware of it.
You know what I’ve learned? It’s funny, people talk about how men are this and men are that, and how men are jerks, but through my own conscious appreciation and compassion towards the male species, I’ve come to learn that your relationship with the MEN in your life makes all the difference in the quality of your life.
Honestly, without the men in my life, the quality of my life wouldn’t even be 10% of what it is now.
Men can make your life more comfortable….they can support you, worship you, do things for you that you can’t even imagine. And even worse….you haven’t really been allowed to imagine, because other women around you have probably talked your ear off with a bunch of garbage about men, Gosh I hate that!
Honestly, the majority of advice your girlfriends give you about men is coming from a place of ignorance about men.
If you understand men, you have less stress, and more men around you to come to your assistance. It’s not even about quantity though! ONE man can rock your world, and make your life blissful beyond measure.

The Key to Mastering Relationships With Men

The key to mastering men is this: knowing that your fears are the very thing that rob you off the security and passion you want with a man.
That’s right. I’ve learned that our female fears (fear of abandonment, fear of being cheated on, fear of men having bad intentions) robs us of the very thing that we wish we had.
I’ll give you a little example of what I mean.
My husband and I just moved house…and my husband is super busy working, moving 95% of all the old belongings from the old house to the new house, planning more things for us for Valentine’s Day (which is tomorrow, at the time I’m writing this letter to you), and getting the new furniture we need.
He needed me to make a call regarding our old gas account. Of course, we have no phone connection at the new place yet so I had to go to his mum’s place to make the call.
I love my husband’s mother, she’s adorable and very helpful. There is one thing though: she doesn’t understand men. A familiar story, even among the kindest and most wonderful women of the world.
Here’s what happened: I text her to make sure it’s ok I go over to make the call, and she greets me happily. I walk in, and after our initial chat she says:
“Why doesn’t  David make the call?”
I inform her: “he’s extremely busy today, doing a million different things.” (mind you, he tried calling yesterday but they must speak to me because the account was under MY name!)
She says: “I don’t think he’s busy. He’s always playing golf.”
I say: “huh?”

Just don’t get Sucked in to your own BS…

And in the last 2 years, I made a conscious decision not to get sucked in to my own BS anymore. I’m sick and tired of my own BS fears and all the hard-wired anxiety that sometimes comes with being a woman. So I made a decision that I wasn’t going to get sucked in to my own BS. In other words; I won’t get sucked in to my fears, as much as I can consciously do so.
So, after she said it, I stood there and watched my own thought process happen unconsciously.
I knew what she said was not only grossly untrue and irrational. What she said was a reflection of her own frustrations with not feeling listened to and understood (not just by the men in her life), but by the women in her life.
So I watched my own inner talk that came up as a reaction to her talk about my husband…
Here’s what it said:
“Oh. She thinks he’s not busy? She’s implying that he’s lazy! OMG what if he really is lazy and I haven’t known about this?”
Then I went back to real-life logic: first of all, lazy is the last thing my husband is. His drive and ambition is exactly the thing that drew me to him. Without him, I wouldn’t have the life I have today.
My husband just moved an entire house by himself. He stays up at night to help me sleep, he right now is out getting me a new internet USB stick and buying me a Valentine’s day present. Not to mention taking care of customer needs and dealing with his own business.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I even doubt the only person in my life who has never given me reason to doubt him?

The Joke is on You…

Then I realised: the joke.
It’s The Joke.
The Joke that the female brain plays. No matter what you do as a woman, no matter how GREAT your man is, your own feminine mind always has its criticisms, fears, and you always seem to have reason to doubt a man. It’s constantly succumbing to these fears that makes your life miserable.
I got sick of it. I don’t know if you can relate to this.
I think it’s important to acknowledge that the fears and worries are there: our creator put them there, to help us survive.
And, get THIS: The MORE women criticise, the LESS happy they seem in men’s eyes.
The LESS happy a woman is, the more stressed men get. The more stressed men get, the more likely they are to try and fix the problem for the woman.
In a way, nature has made men unconscious slaves to female happiness.
But don’t be too quick to run out and manipulate this tendency in men: they can only take so much. Isn’t it the same with you?
It’s simple human nature. It’s as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.
If a man is constantly stressed around you, he feels bad around you. The more he feels BAD around you, the more he associates the bad feeling with YOU, and with being with YOU.

The Temptation of other Women around Him (that doesn’t have to be a reality in your life)

Very soon, the little blonde secretary at work seems kinda tempting, after all – she seems so BUBBLY!!
Very soon, that tall brunette who seems so relaxed seems like a warm and welcome relief from the unhappy woman at home.
Very soon, that voluptuous redhead seems like the answer to all his stresses.
Very soon…any other woman’s smile seems far more valuable than the complaining, unhappy, unenergetic girlfriend.
See the bleak picture?
Wouldn’t you feel dissatisfied too, if you were with a man who had no time for you and seemed to ignore your needs and refuse to understand YOU?

Other Women’s Misery LOVES Your Company…

So I stood there, listening to my inner thoughts. And realised what I truly wanted: Misery loves company. Do I REALLY want to share in my husband’s mother’s fears about men? She is not successful with men herself.
I on the other hand, have a devotional man in my life.
I want to warn you: other women WILL hate you for having compassion towards men. Because you’re not feeding their own misery!
Some tribes of women in this world love to get together to complain!

My advice to you is: don’t get SUCKED IN to other women’s fear about men!
Other women’s talk and gossip is powerful, like a drug. It can make or break your relationships with men.

Not all men are Great (obviously)

YES. Some men don’t want the best for you. But I don’t believe you’re THAT stupid, to not know when a man really does have bad intentions for you.  You may ignore it, and make bad decisions sometimes, but you are definitely not stupid.

Looking for Evidence that a Man Cares…

If a man cares and you can find evidence of it (make sure you look for that evidence when you’re in good spirits, looking for ‘evidence’ that a man cares when you’re depressed never works because you’re wearing your depression glasses and that clouds the truth).
If you can find honest evidence that a man cares, you are NOT losing out!
Most of the time, if a man is dating you, he’s probably doing his best to love you and show his love for you. Remember that your rules for love and not the same as a man’s rules for love. Judging a man’s care and love for you by your own ruler is dangerous.
But the truth is that men need YOU. You have to train him to feel good with you by doing one thing:
VALUING HIM MORE THAN YOU VALUE YOUR FEARS.
That’s right, you have to value a man MORE than you value your fears.
And those fears include everything from: fearing that he doesn’t love you, fearing that he is in love with someone else, and many more.
The reward you can potentially get for doing this is extraordinary. You can have a man be so inspired by being with you that he turns himself from being a couch potato in to a millionaire.
It’s SO funny. I remember a bitter woman (who used to be in my life) who used to say to me in her frustrated state: “AT LEAST YOU HAVE DAVID IN YOUR LIFE!!”
I used to say to her, which annoyed her even more: “I love David. I always have. I actually truly love this man. I loved him when he drove a 1988 Magna that took more pisses than my 6 month old pug. Even when it blew up on the freeway and smoked and put my life at risk. I loved him when he was so embarrassed about making no money and not being able to provide for me that he considered breaking up with me. I loved him when nearly every woman in my “family” told me I needed someone better. I loved him when other women used to roll their eyes at him. I will STILL love him even if he makes the worst decision in the world and leaves us with nothing (which he wouldn’t, because he’s not all about himself), but I’d love him and support him anyway if he did.
I loved him when he wore $5 jeans from Target and $2 runners that were about 8 years old.
I loved him when other women criticized him.”
In other words, I EARNED my relationship.
I used to get a blank look from her. She didn’t want to hear that.
It’s like people saying to a successful woman: “oh you’re so lucky. You make a lot of money.”
Well, VERY LITTLE money is made by accident.
Even if you win the lottery, you still deliberately bought the lottery ticket.
You didn’t EARN the lottery win, but you didn’t win it by accident.
The same goes for loving, lasting and passionate relationships. It’s not a luck pot that got dropped on that woman’s doortep. She’s almost ALWAYS doing something that the so called ‘unclucky’ woman is NOT doing.
The difference between the woman with the sparkling ring on her finger and the woman who is pouting and resentful that she doesn’t have the sparkly ring is Understanding Men.
As a member of my course Understanding Men, said in her feedback today:
“You may find a lot of your secret hopes about men confirmed and your worst fears disconfirmed.”
So if I could make a suggestion to you, and you would allow me to, I’d appreciate the opportunity to do so.

Make THIS your Standard…

Make it a standard in your life to understand that your criticisms of men are the very thing stopping you from having the love that you want. They are there to fool you out of a blissful life. What used to work for your female ancestors to get men back to them and providing for them millions of years ago, no longer works.
We are a more evolved society now. What works is POSITIVE reinforcement.
Not criticism, not your fears, and not withholding your smiles, your energy, you girliness and your approval.
In fact, I suggest practicing approving of men when you don’t want to approve.
Say a man you like makes a stupid joke to get your attention. If you are actually interested in him, try feeling the pleasure in having him try to win you over with a joke rather than seeing the failure in the “un-funny-ness’ of the joke.

Men Are from the Stupid Factory…

Look, as my husband says: men are made at the Stupid Factory.
In fact, one day I remember him being in a lingerie shop with me, and he made a joke at the checkout and the ladies behind the counter laughed so hard, and asked me: “where do you find a man like that?!” and he interjected by saying: “at the Stupid Factory.” They thought it was gold.
It IS funny, that he says men are made at the stupid factory. But it also has a real truth in it. Men are stupid. Women are crazy. It’s cliche, but there’s a truth in it. I’m ok with being crazy some of the time and I’m ok with my man being stupid some of the time.
If I let myself get sucked in to the idea of perfection, I’M the one who suffers. And when I suffer, so does everyone else around me. And why would I want to perpetuate the suffering of my family and friends?
EXPECT men to do dumb things. Love them anyway. Melt their fear of failure with your willingness to overlook his imperfections. Let them make a mistake in front of you and you smile or have a giggle about it. And watch him stare at you in amazement, as if he’s never seen this breed of woman before. I can almost guarantee you, most men haven’t met this breed of woman before.
The annoying women in a man’s life usually starts with his mother not trusting him. Then a man moves in succession on to the next woman in his life, who also doesn’t fully trust him. Not just that he won’t cheat on her; but HIM. Trusting HIM.
And if you see him making a mistake, you can give him HONEST feedback, which he might appreciate. But don’t criticize or say something like: “omg you fool.” or “you idiot.”
Do you really actually ENJOY emasculating men for your own selfish satisfaction?
Or would you rather be an ocean of feminine power that fuels a man and makes him more?
By the way, I don’t advise you not to say those words of criticism so you can avoid hurting him. Not at all. I’m advising you to do this because when you stop being critical like that; YOU are happier! You’re not getting sucked in to your own fears anymore! And  you’ll start to feel more feminine, more happy, more free, more powerful, and more open.
It’s true.
There’s a lot more power that you have with men that you don’t know yet.

Do you think getting the right man for you to be faithful to you is hard? Impossible? It’s not.
In fact, I share the route to getting total faithfulness from a man in my Understanding Men Program here, if you are interested:
http://understanding-men-live.com/
Do you think that if a man says he won’t commit, that he actually MEANS that? He doesn’t always mean it, and the only person to override that fear he has of commitment is you. Nobody else.
Do you think that just because other women have made you feel bad about the way you look or the way you act in the past, that MEN judge you the same way? Not at all. You can be attractive whenever you want, and have ANYTHING you want; all you do is have to make a choice.

Make it your standard to value LOVE, more than your fears, if you are single.

If anything, for a whole 60 days, just notice your own fears talking, and bring out that courage inside yourself to walk in the opposite direction to those fears. That fear is animal hard-wiring you don’t need anymore. It’ll serve the purpose when its relevant, which it is not, most of the time.
If you can comprehend even ONE thing I’ve said here, I trust that you are also smart enough to actually KNOW when your fears are worthy of being listened to. You’re not that stupid. Trust yourself to tell the difference.
Some men aren’t worthy of your time, and that’s ok. It’s ok to move on from him. But it’s also ok to stay with a man who cares, but seems to be doing everything wrong at this point, if you are willing to do your part.


Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!

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“Isn’t SHE Pretty?” He Asked Her…

“Isn’t SHE Pretty?” He Said…find out this woman’s story by reading her email below

This is a question from a wonderful reader who is just lovely. If you have some input for her, and if you have anything you want to tell her, it is much appreciated! Please leave your comments on the situation in the comments section below the post.
“Hey Renee, I’ve been a longtime reader and subscriber of your blog and newsletters! I also got the 17 Attraction Triggers and they’ve been a huge help with my confidence. You’re doing a great thing and hope things are going well for you
I have a question. I’m really scared to ask because I don’t want to seem annoying, but it’s something that I’ve had trouble understanding for like…YEARS and I tried other advice that didn’t really help. So it’d be nice if I could fix whatever I’m doing wrong.
So…I’ve been having a hard time understanding why my ex still thinks highly of his ex and trashes me a lot. To give a little background, we’ve known each other since high school (we hung out with the same group of friends).
We lost contact then met again years later and started dating. We lasted for 4 months. Things went fine at first, then stuff got in the way. Eventually he met with an old friend from years ago. He told me she was a good friend. He invited me out with them. Well, when I met her, she was pretty shy and didn’t look me in the eye.
So we get to subway. During that time, he would say how pretty and awesome she was. He had me go out and check to see if they were open. When I came back out they were having a great time. She wasn’t so “shy” then.
So we go in, order, I pay for the stuff. She was hanging onto him and whispering in his ear as he ordered her sandwich. I knew something wasn’t right but because by that time he said I made a big deal out of stuff and that I was crazy and negative all the time (for calling him out on things that got him and me in trouble)… I didn’t want to look that way so I didn’t say anything.
He then had the audacity to ask me, “Isn’t she pretty?” and she was smirking. Then he asked, “Don’t we look alike?” He said they were blood cousins. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth but again I got scared. I didn’t say anything all the way home. He said, “Thanks for making her day.” I don’t recall saying much. I was pretty silent. Come to find out, he was cheating on me with her. And told all my friends how bad of a person I was and saying how wonderful she was.
They aren’t together now but he still thinks highly of her even though she hits on his friends, caused him to get beaten up (because other guys wanted her), and basically lose his friends. So I thought maybe I was just a bad person and so I began to just not say anything that bothered me.
A recent example, I dated this guy. He just got out of a 5 year relationship…2 kids…we hit it off. He still keeps in contact with his ex so he can stay updated on his kids.
Anyway, we hit a snag because I began to get scared that he was still in love with his ex. So I would get insecure and negative especially because he’d bring her up all time. And it wasn’t just about the kids.
It was about how he paid for her nails, her pregnancy, how she was, how she hurt him…all that stuff.
He confirmed my suspicions when I got angry and said he was still in love with his ex. He was silent. That scared me. So I began beating myself up saying I was a loser and just a distraction.
He then deleted and blocked me off facebook. I’m on bad terms with all my exes, except 1. I believe it’s because I’m insecure but I also believe that at times it was for good reason. I get very scared that any guy will leave me and that’s where it comes from. Because that’s all I know.
The minute I have a bad moment I’m gone. The next girl can get away with that and he falls for her more. I just feel like a terrible person.
Sorry about how long this is. I want to change.
Thank you.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY ANSWER
Hi Kylie,
You are lovely. You are kind, gentle and non demanding. And no, you are not a bad person and you are not annoying.
Now if you can, answer me this: is that ALL you are?
What if I told you you’re an ass-scratching, money-grabbing, flaming, USER of a bitch?
What if….I told you that you are insensitive and think you’re God’s gift to men? I know. You probably won’t feel as comfortable with that. Which is why I’m saying these things to you.
You need to swing the other way. Go from quiet girl to flaming bitch, somehow. Yes, somehow. But I’ll get to that. And I’m not talking about the principles in ‘Why Men Love Bitches.’ I’m talking about something else.
You know what I used to think? I used to think I should be nice (I never really was nice actually, I’m a giving person, but I’m far from nice, but I still thought I should be nice and thought I was coming across as nice).
The problem is….the WORLD we live in is not always nice. Especially the dating world. We need good knowledge and skills to navigate the dating world. I don’t say this to be negative. I say this because it’s the truth.
We live in a world full of human mammals, barely able to meet their own needs and understand themselves, let alone take care of you or the other people around them. Most people are lost in their own world and have no idea how other people are feeling or how they are affected by their actions.
This doesn’t mean there aren’t amazing people out there who WILL take care of you. There definitely are. But they are not the rule.
Now, 99% of our human DNA is EXACTLY the same as that of Chimpanzees. That 1% of what’s different about us is still large, but the 99% is even larger wouldn’t you agree?

Happier When Other People Think They are Better Than You??

Now, in human mammals, every new interaction and friendship or relationship, very quickly, when two people come together or meet, there’s a subconscious, under-the-radar sussing out going on. You know what that sussing out is? It’s us working out who is going to be the dominant one in the relationship, and who will be the submissive one. Now, this doesn’t mean that you always MAINTAIN these dominant/submissive roles, and we can all sure get past that. But you are not yet past that, which is why I bring this up.
You’re putting yourself in the submissive ‘you’re better than me’ role straight away, and REPETITIVELY. And in your case, it’s a ‘I’m happier when I’m less than you’ submissive role. It’s a ‘I’m happier when I let you control what I think of ME’ submissive role.
See, submissive in this case doesn’t mean you get dominated by a man in bed, it just means, the other person has more influence over you in the interactions than YOU have influence over you. Which is definitely the case in at least MOST of your relationships, and I can tell just by reading your letter to me.
How do I know?
1) because I’ve worked with hundreds of women from across the world with a similar problem;
2) from a number of things you said in your letter. One of them this: “So we go in, order, I pay for the stuff.” Why are you ordering the stuff? Why are you paying for the stuff? I don’t care if they pay you back, the question is why are you in that ROLE? The role of DOING things for a couple of loser- ish doikswotches? (just a random word I made up months ago, hope you don’t mind).
3) You LET a man tell you that you’re the crazy one causing all the troubles. You ALLOW him to speak to you like you are the bad person. You are NOT the bad person, and anyone reading this can tell. (Plus being crazy isn’t so bad…)
It’s SO hard sometimes when you get stuck in a situation, it’s hard to SEE for yourself, what is REALLY going on, unless you have a giving and honest friend, or unless you really stop and step outside your own body and have a good look at yourself. I know, I had to go through this. It’s part of being human.
Listen – if you’re a woman are you’re a feminine woman by nature, you are going to be crazy. At least to men. Because men don’t see the world the way you see the world, and because a masculine man may not get upset where you would, he thinks you’re crazy, but that’s NO reason for him to blame you.
Further – it’s DEIFNITELY no reason for you to LET him control your own thoughts about yourself like that.
If it makes you feel better, I’ve done far crazier things than you describe here. and I’m fine with it. Even if people think I’m the bad person. I’m fine with it. Because I know a woman is not alive if she doesn’t let herself be crazy.
The pushing down of the crazy leads to a dead and unattractive woman. You know, the masculine, rigid women you see walking down the street who can’t smile?
Sometimes, when you suppress it enough, the expression of your frustration becomes pathological and it becomes abusive. And I can’t stand it when women are abusive.
Now, it’s my turn to ask YOU a few questions:
What feels so safe about being the person who goes and gets ‘the stuff’ while they are farting around?
What feels safer about being the submissive and quiet person in this situation?
Something about doing that meets your needs. We need to find out what it is. Or you do.
Now, the women reading this think you’re the nice one in the situation. And I know why; you’re a beautiful soul, you mean no harm and you want to do right and be the GOOD person in a relationship, and I honour you deeply for that and I’m grateful for people like you in the world.
But there’s something else I also know…and that is that, you’re not all that kind and good….as well as being kind and good.
At the end of the day, as nice as you are, as submissive as you are, you’re still doing whatever you can to meet your own needs and to get what you want out of a situation – and this is the way you’ve learned how to do it – by letting others control the way you see yourself.
ONLY, here’s the problem with what you’re doing: it is upsetting you – and it adds no value to the people in your life. You’re becoming the woman people kick around and leave in the dust. But the catch is – you want to be there.
Otherwise you would have changed already. Your statement ‘I want to change’ indicates to me that you KNOW you’re causing your own problems (we are all causing our own problems, mostly), yet the way you wrote ‘I want to change’, is not strong enough!
Saying you ‘want’ to change is like a human being who weighs one tonne about to die, saying ‘I want to get up off this couch’. Near impossible. It’s not in your body, it’s a lazy statement.
You can’t change, unless you decide this and start focusing on this: Being the kind, un-annoying, sweet and wonderful and agreeable person who lets others tell me how I should feel about myself is NO LONGER THE WAY I will met my needs.
Again, you can say that in your HEAD – but it won’t change anything. You need to get OUT there and do something different.

Showing up in Neutral Energy, not Feminine Energy

Here’s what you need to do different: We’ve discussed the first part of your problem. Now to the second part: You’re actually showing up in neutral to masculine energy in your interactions with men.
I can feel that very clearly in the way you write. The reason that doikswotch of an ex boyfriend of yours asked you ‘isn’t she pretty?’ in front of you, is not only because he’s a sick bastard (at least in that moment he is), it’s also because some part of him is trying to scream out “I WANT FEMININE ENERGY!! I’m not attracted to you!” The other girl isn’t prettier.
Even if she is in HIS mind, she may not be in another man’s mind. Now, who cares that he’s not attracted to you? I don’t. And you shouldn’t either, ideally. You don’t want a man like that (or maybe you do).
I’ll assume you don’t, which is why you’re emailing me for help. I’m SO glad you got the 17 Attraction Triggers, they are a great starting point to bringing out more of your feminine energy. And better still that they are helping you feel more confident.
Now for moving away from your neutral energy. You’re not only not showing up as feminine it seems, you’re showing up as very blaze and ‘in the middle’, showing up as more androgynous than feminine or masculine. See my article on what is feminine energy?

Neutral Energy and avoiding being the bad person

You’re being silent and AVOIDING being the bad person. Do you know what happens when we avoid being the bad person? We spend most of our daily physical and mental energy (unknowingly) PUSHING down that darkness inside of us, and it becomes like a disease. There are other feminine, emotional, dark parts of you that are waiting to be expressed.

The Tigress vs the Tortoise

You can’t be a tigress inside and pretend you’re a tortoise. A tigress is young and fertile and expressive and takes what she wants, for her and her cubs. A tortoise is cute but neither cuddly nor particularly non-cuddly. It just is. A slow, aging cute little creature that doesn’t do all that much but hide in its shell when something threatens it. 
I’m not sure how you grew up. Maybe you were told ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and took that quite literally. Not every child reacts the same way to being told that.
Maybe you learned that the only way to feel safe and to survive would be to be agreeable and dull yourself. The thing is, feminine energy is not dull. And dullness is not attractive – and the less attractive you show up to be, the less choices in men you will have.
You CAN have any man you want. That’s the truth. But it can’t BE the truth in your reality, when you show up as dull and less than you could be. Your exes were a reflection of you. They were just as fearful as you, and just as untrustworthy as you.
You may be agreeable, but because you weren’t holding your own, you weren’t trustworthy; you weren’t making for the best partner you could be. But here’s the bigger problem? You’re not dull.
You’re waiting to burst inside. So I ask ‘when is now a good time to burst?’ There’s a few ways you could do this:
1) Go around yelling at people. I don’t recommend it. This is abuse, rather than really getting all the ‘stuff’ out.
2) Think back on ALL of those past memories where you’ve felt taken advantage of, dismissed, laughed at or humiliated. They create blockages in your body and in the expression of your feminine energy/feminine flow.
When you go back to them, feel all the pain associated with them and let it come out. If you need to (as we women often do), sit down with a friend and talk about it – even argue about it. Sit down with a family member – when you argue about it, or talk about it, it forces more of the negative blockages out and forces you to cry and splutter and do ALL the things you wish you had done IN THE MOMENT when you felt so hurt by those people in the past (like your ex boyfriends).
3) Identify with the part of you that is the Tigress. A good starting place is to watch Penelope Cruz in ‘Vicki Cristina Barcelona’. She’s what most women sit and admire but are too afraid to be.
You don’t have to stab a man like she did. though I doubt Javier Bardem minded THAT much, he was still speaking highly of her after that incident. But she is an extreme example of feminine energy expressed as it is, with no boundaries.
She may be too extreme for you; I get that. But you need it. You need to go there for a little while, just to CHANGE the physical and biological state you’ve kept yourself in for so many years.
More than anything, you NEED to be uncomfortable. Being submissive and thinking poorly of yourself is comfortable now. It’s your equilibrium. Why not try giving a man your bitch face? Why not try being a bitch to your exes? That could mean ignoring them and moving on.
In fact, to me, that’s not even bitchy. But for many women, ignoring someone is too insensitive. When I say bitchy, I mean, do something that you would normally think is too harsh or too insensitive.
See, your exes might try and take from you, as they have been able to do in the past because you’ve let them.
Your task now is to break that pattern to strongly that you are uncomfortable, even scared. It’s a good thing to be scared and uncomfortable when you do this, it means change is starting to happen.
4) learn more about feminine vulnerability. This is something I’ve discussed in my free newsletter, so go back to some old emails, read some of my posts, or you can learn about it in my programs Understanding Men or Commitment Control.
When you’re ready, why not join us in commitment control?
There is a wealth of information, and many, many more answers to dark and light feminine energy in there. There is also a lot on getting men to take care of you and commit to you. We also teach you more about showing up in your feminine vulnerability and encouraging a deep devotion and commitment from almost any man.That’s why we created the program, because my man and I hate to see women staying with crappy men for all the wrong reasons.
Do you have something to say to Kylie? If you do, it may be a great help! Let us know your advice and thoughts in the comments section below. Your thoughts may help many women reading this.  Xx

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